Everyone either loves or hates Duke – there just can’t be neutrality – and there has been considerable talk this week concerning the reasons for both.

I am a Duke hater for my own personal set of reasons, and I feel like making them known to the world.

1. Duke beat, or should I say embarrassed, Columbia during my junior year. I think they stomped us by 46. I was studying abroad in London, listening to the game on radio with a couple Dukies, and I was completely humiliated. I had spent the previous month talking up my school and it’s rising basketball program, only to see us go down with barely a whimper.
2. Duke is very efficient offensively. But not really in a way that makes you nod appreciatively and say “Wow, they’re really efficient.” Instead, they’re efficient in a way a blender is efficient: a blender gets the job done, can even do so in multiple ways, but life is less pleasant while waiting for the blender to finish, with all that noise and awkward waiting. Duke makes me feel kinda like that.
3. My friend Mike, a Duke graduate, talks a lot of smack about his Blue Devils. Very annoying smack.
4. My friend Matt, a Duke graduate, does not talk a lot of smack about his Blue Devils. But you can sense that he’s thinking smack, which might even be worse.
5. I hadn’t consciously realized it before my friend Josh pointed it out last night, but Duke is a rather ugly team. Not basketball ugly, but facially ugly. As a heterosexual male, I agree with Josh that they are less agreeable to look at than some other teams. (I could go into individual detail if asked.) Maybe this subconsciously increased my Duke hate prior to my being aware of it.
6. I absolutely loved my four years at college and wouldn’t trade them for anything, but part of me sometimes wonders what it would have been like to go to a school with big time athletics, especially a basketball team that I could always root for in March. Instead, I try to get excited for a mid-February 3 point win against Dartmouth. So yeah, I guess I’m saying sometimes I’m jealous of the Duke guys.
7. I hate Brian Zoubek. It’s hard for me to really explain why, but he just rubs me the wrong way. In fact, the only basketball player I dislike more might be Kendrick Perkins. Zoubek lumbers around the court, banging into people right and left and showing almost no skill whatsoever, and somehow routinely helps his team. Some people might appreciate that, but it just bothers me. Maybe it’s because I’m thinking, “Why couldn’t I just be 7 feet tall. I could have no talent and still be a key contributor on a Final Four team.” There goes jealousy again. Hmm. I need to be less emotionally involved.

I really hope they lose tomorrow.