Last night I dreamed I was a professional wrestler with actual gravity-defying ability. It was pretty sweet. And it got me thinking, not only about seeing a therapist, but also about the NBA. I know, my brain makes strange connections… If nothing else it keeps life interesting. So I started wondering, if the NBA entertained like the WWE – and there are those who unfortunately believe it is just as scripted – what storylines would Commissioner David Stern write into this season? In no specific order, I believe Stern would want…

…Gilbert Arenas to play like 06-07 Arenas on the court and Hibachi/Agent Zero with the media. In the last two years, he’s been under the knife more than a filet mignon, playing only 15 total games and consequently turning the Wizards to ground chuck. In the last two months, the league’s best interview has refused to say anything interesting to reporters, instead claiming that he needs to focus solely on ball. Come on Gil, we need you to perform both on and off the court. Remember, your swag is phenomenal.

…Artest and Kobe to become best friends. Picture this: Uncle Ron, cooking eggs for Natalia and Gianna Bryant in the morning, reading to them before bed, massaging Black Mamba’s feet on the bench at the end of blowout wins. Talk about a rehabbed, yet still unsettling, image.

…D’Antoni’s Knicks to snag the last playoff spot in the East and push the #1 team to 7 games. They’re obviously gonna be fun to watch and they’re finally free from the toxins known as Starbury and Isiah. Could they do what the Warriors did to the Mavs in ‘08? I don’t think so, but it would be great to see them come close.

…at least 10 decent games from Greg Oden, and maybe even 3 double-doubles. Is that too much to ask? Right now he’s probably best known for looking around 20 years older than he really is. Remember that he’s still young, so let’s just see him start down the right path. First pick busts are no good for anybody. (Please Blake Griffin, get healthy soon.)

…the Cavs to either face the Lakers in the Finals or fail to make the postseason. It would be undeniably poetic for Shaq and Kobe to vie for that 5th title while LeBron chases his first. On the other side, a losing season would almost certainly impel King James to jump ship as a free agent this summer. That might mean a move to the Big Apple?!

…LeBron to come up big in the Dunk Contest. It’s been years since a premier wing player has deigned to participate in what has become the most watched event in any pro league’s all-star festivities. We know he throws down with power and grace in games; I just hope he doesn’t get overly ambitious and pull a Birdman.

…several other injury prone players to remain healthy for an entire year. Manu Ginobili, Amare Stoudemire, Gerald Wallace, Michael Redd, and Andrew Bynum are some of the most exciting and crucial players in the league. Their physical status may determine all-star selections, playoff berths, and even championships. I wish I could throw Yao and TMac on this list, but neither one will begin the season active.

…the Thunder to make serious strides. I would venture a guess that OKC has the most secondary fans in the league. That is to say, more people with a vested rooting interest also like Bill Simmons’ Zombie Sonics than any other team. I, for one, love to watch them play. They’re young, dynamic, and have a world of potential. but it is not a foregone conclusion that they will win with more regularity.

…several teams to chase 70 wins. I wouldn’t rule out the possibility of the Lakers, Celtics, Cavs, and Magic all getting close. They all improved this off-season.

…a highly competitive, fast paced, well played NBA Finals. The finals hasn’t gone 7 games since the 2005 borefest between the Spurs and Pistons. While last year’s entire postseason was dramatic and fun, the last round was rather anticlimactic. I honestly think that this year will be different.

There are also certain specific developments that Stern would be sure to avoid, such as…

…Dirk Nowitzki having another psycho, pregnant, felonious fiance. You just can’t make this stuff up, and it is incredibly intriguing. However, let’s leave those affairs to Letterman and his ilk, as they do not belong in the league. Moreover, I really feel bad for Dirkules; He’s a great player and from all reports a great guy. He didn’t deserve that drama last year, and he definitely doesn’t deserve any more.

…another incident with Charles Barkley. He’s one of the best players in history and commentators in the game today, but he’s divisive enough without the DUIs, gambling problems, etc. Chuck, go ahead and put a whoopee cushion under Kenny’s seat if you want, but don’t go much further.

…Steven Jackson being recognized by the public at all. He’s an idiot, an ingrate, an infection. And he’s not even fun to watch.

…talk about the upcoming collective bargaining negotiations insinuating its way into common conversation. Yes, it’s true there are already murmurs that a lockout might be impending, but there’s no need for them to overshadow great play. Furthermore, the NBA has more talent since the late ’80s, so let’s embrace the positive.

…the refs questionably deciding early games. Keep in mind that the refs missed all of preseason while arbitrating their own contracts. If there are any blown calls, this might become a hot topic. I am of the opinion that refs are doing their job best when they are not noticed or mentioned.

Regardless of Stern’s wishes, this season will doubtless not go according to script. Let’s just hope that whatever happens is magical.